This article is purely my reflection of the deep spiritual journey and the paradox of finding freedom through the fire of discipline. As they say, any spiritual pursuit is very personal and experiential. No words or experience is standard, and the unexpected experiences are almost often most rewarding, this I say with benefit of hindsight. Not expecting anything, performing a pilgrimage for the sake of it, not even yearning for a Darshan or ascension of 18^th Holy steps is a state that attracts abundance of blessings from Him. Simply treat it as a journey of a jigyasu’s soul that seeks to find its home.

To complete 66 pilgrimages is no ordinary feat for an ordinary mortal like me. For us it is an abundance of compassionate blessings from Him, carved into the hills where Ultimate devotee of Shri Rama, Shabari sought and found her Beloved. In the tradition of Sabarimala, 18th, 36th, and 54th pilgrimages are milestones, actually the years following the numbers – 19, 37 & 55 is significant as we go again as a Kanni Swami (First-timer) on these pilgrimages. Kanni Swami is bringing every pilgrim down to earth, on to the first step from the 18^th. In my initial pilgrimages, much before the Patinettampadi was plated, pilgrims break coconuts on the step corresponding to their number of pilgrimages – 1^st timer on the 1^st, 2^nd timer on the 2^nd and so on. After the 18^th rebooting the pilgrimage and breaking the coconut on the 1^st during 19^th Pilgrimage as Kanni Swami is to help us shed any ego that set in us.

There is a strange, divine gravity at Sabarimala. Every time I stand before the Patinettampadi (the 18 holy steps), I feel I am seeing them for the first time, yet I have been coming home for 66 time.  The word Tatvamasi (written as Thathwamasi on the facade of the Sannidhanam) is the final destination of the Vratam. I say this with utmost sincerity, It isn’t just a sign; it is a spiritual mirror. I am sure every pilgrim feels the same. Literally, it is yelling at the pilgrim “The One you have been searching for in the forest, across the rivers, and up the 18 steps is actually YOU.”  (Tat: That (the Supreme Reality); Tvam: You (the Individual); Asi: Are which means Thou Art That”) For the curious, Tatvamasi is one of the four Mahavakyas (Great Utterances) from the Upanishads.

Transcribed this talk from a commentary on this Mahavakya Tatvamasi by a former Melsanti of Sabarimala Shri Dharma Shasta Temple – Bramhashri Jayaraman Potti

Think of the universe as a vast, shimmering ocean and yourself as a single, tiny wave dancing on its surface. For most of your life, you’ve likely defined yourself by the height of that wave, its speed, or how close it is to the shore. You feel separate, small, and perhaps a little afraid of the moment the wave hits the sand and disappears. But Tatvamasi is the ancient voice of wisdom whispering a radical truth: you aren’t the wave; you are the water.

In the simplest English, Tatvamasi translates to “Thou Art That” It is a grand identity statement that strips away your name, your job, your bank balance, and even your physical body to reveal a deeper reality. The “That” refers to the infinite, the spark of life that powers the stars and keeps the planets in orbit. The “Thou” is you—the silent observer behind your eyes. The “Art” is the bridge, the cosmic “equals” sign that says there is no difference between the two.

Imagine a gold necklace, a gold ring, and a gold bangle. To the casual observer, they are three different things with different prices and shapes. But to the goldsmith, they are all just gold. The shape is temporary, but the substance is eternal. Tatvamasi suggests that while our shapes, our personalities and bodies, look different, the substance we are made of is the exact same universal consciousness.

People often ask, “Why go back so many times for a 15-20 second Darshan?” They don’t realize that those few seconds are the spark, but the 41-day Vratam is the fuel. Contrary to what people generally have come to believe, the 41-day (called a Mandala) Vratam (Penance) is not a period of restriction; it is a period of unburdening. Wearing the Black itself is a huge burden off the head. While we otherwise live to the world’s requirement of etiquette, dress and behaviour by wearing black, I shed the ego of style and status. We become invisible to the world (and vice versa) and visible only to the Divine – a one-to-one conversation.

Walking without footwear isn’t about physical pain; I attribute my perfect health with absolutely no prescription life (like Diet or Exercise etc) to this bare foot trek. Unknowingly, a acupressure working its magic on me. It’s also about staying grounded and feeling the pulse of the Earth—the same Earth 12-year-old Manikanta walked upon. Can there be a better incentive than this for a pilgrimage. Walk with me and you will realise what I am trying to say.

The Sattvic Life & Brahmacharya is not about sacrifice. When we control what we eat, say, and think, we realize we aren’t slaves to our impulses. The Vratam is a “mental detox.” It sharpens the mind so that when you finally stand at the Sannidhanam, your soul is clear enough to reflect the light of the Shri Dharma Shasta.

My 1^st Guruswami, my Father initiated us, 4 brothers into this Pilgrimage when I was in Class 2. When we brothers got used to luxuries like inability to sleep on mat when we attended a wedding, or walking without footwear etc very early in our lives, he made us realise that is not a luxury, it is bondage and the only way he thought we could learn was experiencing it. When Sabarimala was not as developed as today and with no accommodation in Sannidhanam, the arduous bare-foot trek made us feel that the floor on which we laid down (Viri) was better and luxurious that the Foam Bed that we could not sleep without. We often think discipline is a cage. Sabarimala pilgrimages taught me that it is actually the key. When I follow the strict rules of the pilgrimage, I am no longer worried about my cravings or my social standing. I am free from the “Self” (the Aham). This discipline doesn’t stifle me; it protects me from the chaos of the outside world.

In the forest, under the weight of the Irumudi, I am not a Corporate Executive, a father, or a citizen. I am simply “Swami.” There is no greater freedom than losing your identity in the chant of “Swamiye Saranam Ayyappa.” This is the reason why every pilgrim at Sabarimala—regardless of their job, wealth, or age—is called “Swami.” When you wear the Mala, the world stops seeing you as an individual and starts seeing you as a manifestation of the Lord. By calling every other pilgrim “Swami,” you are practicing Tatvamasi—recognizing the divine spark in every person you meet on the trek. When you reach the Sannidhanam and read “Tatvamasi,” it is a reminder that once the ego is dropped, only the Divine remains.

A quick Darshan is a divine tease. It’s like a single drop of nectar that makes you crave the whole bottle. At 66th pilgrimage, the trek isn’t get easier, but I can vouch that my heart gets lighter. I return every year because, in those brief seconds before His Murti, time stops. The exhaustion of the trek, the sweat, and the 41 days of penance all vanish, making me feel it was fictitious in the first place. I come back again & again simply to experience the high of freedom of being His.

Swami Sharanam

PS: It will be unfair if I don’t acknowledge our Pilgrim Gang – about 25 of them are common in all pilgrimages. They make the entire process from Vratam to Irumudi to Pilgrimage a Wonderful Experience. Thank you Swamis, Malikappurams, Manikantas